An Amazing Personal Transformation… From Me to ‘Myself’

A Sensitive Girl Yearns for Her Personal God

When I was a child, I loved the story of Dhruva and like him, I wanted to sit in the lap of God. I always thought if I pray to Rama, Krishna, Shivji, or Vishnu, the other Gods would get angry. So I was always confused whom to pray to. I wanted a God I could see in front of me, talk to, confide in and laugh with, who would love me unconditionally however I was, and one who would be my best friend and guide. I wanted my own personal God. The idea of a God somewhere up there in the sky, beyond my reach, was not what I could relate to.

As a child I had a disturbed childhood and never knew how it was to be carefree. I was very shy, sensitive, and had the right values but was quiet, scared of everybody and everything and always felt unloved. I wanted to be loved unconditionally and be absolutely independent – emotionally, mentally and financially. I thought when I find my God, I won’t need anyone in this world and no one could hurt me. It was the heartfelt desire of a sensitive child who was badly hurt by the insensitivity and constant comparisons by the people around.

In 1989, my father’s German friend Frank introduced me to “The Autobiography of a Yogi” and my spiritual quest began. I had never doubted the existence of God, but I wanted to feel and experience it and find my personal God. My yearning increased. We would visit Shirdi every year. I had some amount of faith in Shirdi Baba but, since I could not see Him or talk to Him, I still wanted something more.

In August 1989, Papa took the whole family to Puttaparthi. Something in that trip had affected me. On returning home I found myself turning to Baba whenever I would pray in the Pooja room. In the meantime, all the people I had faith in, started letting me down. I could not understand why I was suddenly without a friend in the world, for no fault of mine. I was plunged into the nadir of despair, hopelessness and diffidence. I did not know whom to turn to. In those young and foolish days, I wanted a soulmate, as I thought that that would be the solution to all my problems and my insecurities, little realizing that my quest would bring me unbearable pain. Baba made me experience and realise that He was the only soulmate I ought to look for, trust and have faith in. Betrayed trust, humiliation, broken friendships and relationships, left me badly mauled, with a mutilated heart and soul, absolutely alone, with no emotional support, and no job to sustain myself ? I was heading nowhere, had no one to turn to and there seemed to be no way out. I cried for help from the depths of my being. 
I did not want to live anymore. Only God could have saved me – and He did.

Then came the field training ? the initial shock of policing ? I saw for the first time the different social values of different people and sections of society. The deceit, lies, crimes, insensitivity, and different interpretations of truth as per convenience. I saw what motivated people to commit crimes, where the subtle line of distinction between right and wrong, good and bad was so thin that people justified every act they committed, on various grounds, morality being brushed aside completely. I was also exposed to various methods of policing and control, and I learnt to differentiate between what was right for me and what clearly wasn’t, what I should or should not do and at the same time while doing my duty, how not to judge other people and the situations they are in and how to be tough with criminals (a complete turnover from the soft me).