Turning Inward

“Love, Love, Love! Become what you truly are – the embodiments of Love. No matter how others treat you or what they think of you, do not worry. Follow Jesus Christ. Love for your own evolution and not for what others say. Do not imitate others. Cultivate your own life. You have your own heart, your own opinions, your own ideas, your own will. Why then imitate? Follow your chosen path. Let your own experience of God be your guide and master.”
– Sathya Sai Baba

It was in 1975, while attending a workshop, that my wife and I first heard of Sathya Sai Baba. During a discourse on the subject of reality, the leader stated that an Indian Baba had materialized a gold ring for a friend of his. The gold ring was said to have been created from nothing. This first brief and only mention of Baba was a seed, which unknown to us at the time, was later to sprout and grow into the most meaningful quest of our lives.

In 1978, just four months after my wife first saw Sai Baba’s picture on a book cover, she was with him in India. My mind didn’t know what to make of it all. Although my relationship with Judy called for my total support of her need to be with Swami, still I was frightened, skeptical, jealous and confused.

I harbored scary thoughts of losing her to Baba himself… to illness… to another man… and to the unknown in general. Having read Man of Miracles as well as The Holy Man and the Psychiatrist and having heard numerous Baba stories from Judy and others, my curiosity and skepticism, not to mention Swami’s invisible tug, pulled me to his ashram in southern India in the winter of 1980.

I’d never spent so many hours in an airplane; it seemed to take forever. Although the flight was smooth and uneventful – except for seeing two shooting stars as we entered Indian airspace – I was super-grumpy as we deplaned. Approaching the customs area, we were greeted by a customs official. Looking past him, I saw what looked like total chaos as hundreds of people stood by sheepishly while the customs agents seemed to be carefully searching all their luggage.

“How was your flight?” asked the customs official.

“Okay,” I said, “but I’m really tired; I have a backache and I’m in a very grouchy mood.”

He then apologized – although I don’t know why – and sent us, luggage and all, right past the luggage examination area. All we had to do was show our passports; not a single bag was opened. “What luck!” I thought. (Or was it, really?)

After an overnight stay at a hotel in Bangalore, we journeyed by taxi to Prashanti Nilayam, Sai Baba’s ashram, adjacent to the village of Puttaparthi. I couldn’t believe that the trip from the USA would be worthwhile, especially after seeing the settling into the room that we had been given to use during our visit. Something wonderful would have to happen to me, just as compensation for my learning to adjust to our Indian-style toilet.

My first sight of Sai Baba was unremarkable. He looked like a nice enough man, but a “man of miracles”? I’d have to wait and see. After my first few days, the nicest and “highest” man I had encountered was the rice man in the ashram canteen. After several days I was still skeptical, homesick, and becoming increasingly moody. One beautiful morning, my darshan line was sent in first. I would be up close and maybe even get a chance to speak with Sai Baba.

But what should I say? Should I ask for something? I realized that I was carrying a school ring on behalf of a patient of mine, in order to have it blessed if the opportunity should arise. Besides the ring, I had a new sandalwood japamala (prayer beads) which could also be offered for Baba’s blessing. My chance was at hand; Baba was about to pass directly in front of me. Now he was looking right at me as he approached.

With the ring and the beads cupped in my outstretched palms, I spoke, “Baba, please bless these things.”

Swami smiled, put his right had on top of mine and pressed firmly. He then sang – not spoke – the words: “I bless.”

As Swami continued on his way, I was overcome by the strongest and deepest outpouring of emotion that I can recall. It didn’t make any sense to me. What was it that overwhelmed me? It is contrary to my nature and my imagined machismo to allow myself to collapse in tears, sobbing uncontrollably in front of other people. I knew that someone like John Wayne just wouldn’t behave this way. I was in shock. Still in tears when I met Judy back at our room, I started laughing when she remarked, “Well, it looks like he got you, too.” Apparently, Judy and other friends of mine noticed a visible difference in my appearance after this episode.

It was Christmas Eve when Sai Baba called Judy and me in for my very first personal interview. Following the gestures of Baba’s volunteers, I made my way to the veranda to await his return from the throng of people who were receiving his darshan. I had a backache, was extremely nervous and my mind was racing. To calm my mind and center myself, I closed my eyes and began to use my japamala as I recited the divine names of God. After a little while, someone touched and shook my shoulder. As my eyes popped open, I saw Baba standing there beaming at me and saying, “You don’t have to do that now. I am here.” I was already feeling a lot better. Even my backache, caused by prolonged cross-legged sitting, had disappeared.