“Swami, please speak to me…” Dr. Sunder Iyer, a Doctoral Research Scholar & Former Faculty, Department of Commerce, at Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Learning, Prasanthi Nilayam Campus shares one of his beautiful experiences with Bhagavan. “GOD is more truly imagined than expressed, and He exists more truly than is imagined.” – Anonymous Sometimes, when I begin to write about someone whom I love, great and beautiful feelings arise in my heart. However, when it comes to confining these emotions to a limited set of alphabets and words, found in a few pages of dictionaries… that becomes an impossible task. Hence on occasions when I speak or write about our Lord, I always resort to an easier means. In other words, one’s feelings and one’s relationship with his God has always been personal, and such experiences can never be revealed. But then there are always the Divine manifestations of the Lord that are perhaps the fruits of such intimate relations that can be shared. When the Lord lets the devotees experience His majestic omniscience and omnipotence, then it becomes a Leela [Divine play]. And it is these Leelas that have been a perennial source of faith and inspiration to all those who have sought shelter at His Lotus Feet. I open the worn-out pages of my old dairies, and I dig into them to find out which of these experiences I can share with you. I cannot help but feel… What intimate hours I once enjoyed,How sweet their memory still.But they have left an aching void,That world can never fill. February 21st, 1981… and my hand stops. As I go through this page, my mind races back through the corridors of time, and I find myself seated in the first line in the evening time, and Swami finishing His usual darshan has just taken some devotees for an interview. It so happened that during those times I had just ventured into the Yoga path and the initial enthusiasm was in its full swing. Yogasanas, breathing exercises, postures, various practices and all such matters occupied the place of prime importance among my thoughts. Often I would indulge in fantasy… roaming in the Himalayas clad in a loin cloth perhaps… or lying next to a snow leopard… performing austerities. But as it happens to most of us, these ideas remained and vaporized within the realm of fantasy, for I soon found that somehow the monthly special lunch bell had the power to penetrate through the deepest of my Samadhis and I would invariably be the first in the line, waiting at the dining hall. But, nevertheless, in the years that followed I have kept on, and despite all my shortcomings, Sai has always seen me through these. The experience I am going to relate is of my one such occasion, when He let out His hand for me to grasp, as if saying, “Come on, you have a long way to go.” And I am a seasoned seedFrom Your own storesMy growing up, therefore,Is Your responsibility. Swami had come a few days earlier to our hostel and pleased us with His Divine discourse. One of the points that caught my attention was that of the chanting of ‘Soham’ Mantra. Swami explained and demonstrated how this sacred Mantra can be chanted through regulation of breath. Immediately, resolutions were passed in mind (which is not a very uncommon feature for those of my category) and I decided to practice it for the rest of my life. this mantra [formula] as and when possible. As each day had passed and as evening drew near, my heart would bloom with expectancy, perhaps Swami would acknowledge my ‘sincere’ practice, speak a word to me, or give me a Namaskar. The first day passed without even as so much of a glance, but I was not deterred. I went on more firmly. But, somehow, when on the second day Swami passed by me without as so much of a glance, my spirits were down in the dumps. Nevertheless, a ray of hope still hung in the frail cobwebs of mind, for the next day our class was going first in the line. So, the evening of this third day found me sitting in the first line in the portico. The sun was just setting for his nightly intermission, and even as his golden rays bathed all of us not merely in light, but also in quite uncomfortable warmth, my mind was going on “Soham… Soham…” Finally, the door opened and the usual hush passed over the atmosphere. All attention was on the door, expectancy accompanied by eager eyes and prayerful hands. My already upright position became more upright as He came closer. “Swami”, my mind uttered softly but in all vanity. “Swami, here I am looking at You… speak to me.” Swami passed by me, spoke to a boy next to me, smiled, patted him, and went on. He finished His usual round of darshan and came back. By then, the portico was full of devotees who had been chosen for interview. I knew now that the probability was nil. As He passed by me once again, the soft uttering of my mind now gave way to ferocious yelling (fortunately all this was within). “Swami,” I screamed within my mind, “I have done what You advised, for three days now, and there has been no response from You.” But He heard me not and the few more seconds that passed were filled with an unforgettable war between prayer and despair. As leisurely as ever, Swami motioned the devotees inside, and with a last look that went above my head, a smile to my partner. He closed the door and the floodgates holding my tears opened. My upright position now became low, and I was busy fighting my tears lest somebody should see. Most of the shadows of life arecaused by standing in one’s own sunshine. All my hopes were shattered; the fruit that my ego so eagerly sought was now beyond my reach. Even the innermost hidden desire to tell my friends how Swami had responded to my spiritual sadhana lay bare. I was thus vainly trying to hide the
